Protection vs. Vulnerability
We are almost always operating from a mix of protection and vulnerability, but when we share something important with the two mixed together, our vulnerability is often eclipsed by protection. The person listening is likely to hear the protection part of our message and respond in-kind, creating a negative cycle of disconnection. Worse still, we feel like we shared something vulnerable, and now are reeling from the pain of receiving a protected response, likely to dip further into protection as well. If we want the best shot at showing vulnerability and being responded to, we need to send the message with vulnerability and free it from protection.
Now that’s far easier said than done, and we have a ton of valid reasons for protection. Perhaps our childhood didn’t reward vulnerability, we never saw it modeled, and/or we had something scary happen to us which tamped down our sense of safety with vulnerability. Maybe the relationship has been under strain for a bit, where both people have slowly put on armor until protection is the default approach. There’s a million good reasons to have protection in our lives, but it interferes with our ability to share and hear vulnerability with our closest people.
Vulnerability requires risk, and risk requires safety. Safety helps us feel it is worth the leap into the unknown. A nice way to start building safety is to explore what you feel like when you’re protecting yourself, versus being vulnerable. I often hear an openness, centeredness, groundedness, and a sense of tolerable risk when people are sharing from their heart. The pace slows down, eyes turn toward the other, and hands reach across for support. It can also be helpful to ask “What creates safety?” or “How can we notice protection and choose something different?”
The hardest part is when we feel like we are operating from vulnerability, and yet we still end up in cycles of disconnection and protection. It can feel so discouraging to keep missing each other and creating more hurt. When this is the case, it can be great to show up to therapy so we can explore what’s going on and get some fresh eyes on the situation. We often have ways our protection shows up as a trigger for our partner, and a therapist can bring in enough slowness and safety for us to unpack, understand, and find a path back to connection.