Setting Boundaries

Good boundaries are like a series of gates. We can open or close these gates depending on who the person is and how safe they are. For example, I may choose to tell a close friend something about me that I wouldn’t share with a new acquaintance, or share touch with a partner that I wouldn’t share with a friend. These different levels of openness help to keep us safe, define who we are and what we’re okay with, and have clear relationships.

Boundaries are things we set for ourselves, and not everyone will be happy when we put up a new gate. Some people may react poorly if they’re faced with a boundary that they had previously been able to walk over, but that doesn't mean that it’s not okay to set that limit.

Problematic boundaries might look like:

• Enmeshment - Having too loose of boundaries, being blended with others, or letting other people have undue influence over you

• Cutoff - Having too rigid boundaries, routinely cutting people out of your life over slights.

This one is trickier because there are people who are so unsafe that cutting them out may be the appropriate course of action.

So when is it time to set a new boundary?

Everyone goes about this a little differently, and there’s no “correct” way. Some boundaries may be clear to you at face value, like feeling okay hugging a close friend, but not a new acquaintance. And, you may also discover a boundary through getting to know your feelings. I often recommend checking in with yourself and noticing if you’re feeling frustrated, stretched too thin, or uncomfortable. Then evaluate what may be behind that feeling, and decide if it’s circumstantial to your current state, or if it’s a sign that a boundary may have been crossed and needs to be set.